Wednesday, May 11, 2005

 

A Brain Droppings Exclusive: Ridley Scott's next project

We have received from an anonymous source a list of the movies that Ridley Scott is considering for his next project. These are broad outlines of the story awaiting Ridley's upwardly turned thumb before they go to the next stage of revisionism.

1) It is 1946 and the marauding American Army is sacking its way across France. The brave French resistance is putting up a gallant fight but they are outnumbered and just too polite to stop the Americans. In Germany, the Knights of the German/Jewish Friendship League prepare camps to use in a desparate attempt to withstand the Americans. Their only hope is to be rescued by the heroes of the Red Army. Jewish workers labor for long hours, sometimes to their death, under the helpful watch of their German friends. Can they finish their work in time? Only when Hitler and the SS escape from the Tower of London and cross the Channel in their submersible Panzers to meet the Americans at the Ardenne do his Jewish friends have a chance.

2) It is the Mid 1930's in China and the Chinese have invited their good friends the Japanese to have picnic in Nanking. The great picnic of Nanking is full of friendly hugs and kisses on the check as the two great peoples frolic in the fields surrounding the city. However, in the background the evil Americans plot to create mistrust between these two great asiatic peoples. Through a series of farcical missteps the Japanese are tricked into burning, raping and looting dressed as American soldiers from the civil war period while the hapless Chinese play the role of Native Americans. This new game ends in tradegy when the poor Japanese realize they have been tricked into slaughtering their great friends by the Warlock Roosevelt. The Japanese try to return home but Roosevelt refuses to let them have any gasoline so the Japanese are forced to attack Pearl Harbor.

3) It is two thousand years ago and Jesus is a black Lesbian from the Bay area. She and her lover Mary lead a group of metrosexual disciples/rock band around ancient Judea converting people from their stale, intollerant monotheism to the groovy hip new religion called..."Well call it whatever you want 'cause it's your religion, baby," says Jesus. Jesus and Mary must watch out for the uncool Phari-Christians who are trying to get Jesus to sign a contract with "the man/Pilate" so that the Jesus' music and new religion will be under the control of an organized music company/religion. But when Pilate hears the righteous beats of Jesus he can't wash his hands of this new message and Pilate becomes Jesus' manager. Ends with Jesus and disciples playing at the coliseum. (Hope that is not too close to the Di Vinci code)

Ridley baby, take a gander at these and let me know what you think. We can always add whatever you'd like. Here is one more idea which is a kind of a remake, I know you hate these but give a look.

4) It is sometime in the future and a group of French space scavengers/recyclists come across a ghost ship. Inside is an endangered species of alien that is being hunted by a Texas oil trillionaires for sport. They only way they can survive is to enter the stomachs of the the scavengers so they can sneak past the giant oil star from which the trillionaires plot to secure the universes resources. The hitch is the only human food the aliens can eat is McDonalds. And the French must eat this for TWO months.

|

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?